Everyday you walk past me, and obviously avoid making eye contact with me when you are walking your dog. Awkward!! Okay so I said you looked like a serial killer a few years ago. I said looks like not is one, GEEZ! Someone holds a grudge. Really you do, that’s not my fault. In any case, I want to punch you in the face not because you look like a serial killer, but because you awkardly avoid making eye contact and that makes you look even more like a serial killer.
Today I add to my lengthy list a Professor I had ( who for obvious reasons I will not name) for a history class. Aside from the fact we were not aloud to talk about history in the class, because as he stated, “ We already know what happened,” but he took points off of a paper I wrote about the scientific revolution. Taking points off is not the reason he is a total D-Bag, but his reason still boggles my mind. He corrected me in saying there were great thinkers during this time. Professor D-Bag explained to me the Sir Isaac Newton, Rene Descartes, and Sir Francis Bacon were a destructive, devastating three man wrecking crew on humanity and the environment. I asked him to explain why he made this statement. His response was, “ Google them.” WOW is this why teachers need a master’s degree? I asked again. His next response was even more astounding.
“ Bacon: As a contemporary of Shakespeare and James I—both of whom were gay—it wouldn’t surprise me that Francis Bacon may have flocked to birds of a similar feather, and perhaps even pecked up some of their creative seed-corn, so to speak. I’ve had to conclude that the unorthodox sexuality of many of the most famous artists, writers, and leaders in history was one of the most critical elements in their creativity—after all, it’s the distressed tree that bears the sweetest fruit, wot? ”
I’m not sure but is he saying Bacon was devastating and destructive to humanity and the environment because he was gay??? Remember that was my question to him, why he thought that. WOT ….
For this he goes in the book of people I want to punch in the face.
I live in your average suburban middle class neighborhood. Each house slightly different from the next, evenly spaced apart with modest sized yards neatly manicured. Decorative flags hanging from the front porch, or a gazing ball in the yard. I’m not quite sure what the purpose is with the gazing ball, but every time I see one I just want to kick it across the yard. Everyone knows everyone, and if they don’t they can easily find out the comings and goings of everyone from the little old lady on the corner who has lived here since the beginning of time.
Every morning as part of my daily routine I walk my dogs. I head out for my morning stroll, passing the crossing guard on the corner who is yelling at drivers texting as they drive by. I see the mailman on his daily route, leaving late notices, and pass due bills in his wake. As I approach the house on the corner four kids run out to pet my dogs. I try to speed up my pace but fail miserably. Not that they aren’t nice kids, they are. It’s their parents I hope to avoid. A forty – something couple, mom works, dad stays home with kids planning play dates, educational activities, and making healthy non-GMO organic lunches. Every morning they remind me I am welcome to stop by for their weekly church group. It’s the same dialogue every morning, ” You need Jesus in your life to get into God’s house.” I tell them I’m quite content in my average middle class house, and I still have a few sins on my bucket list I haven’t gotten to yet. Being the optimist I am , I assure them that everyday I am making my way down the list . It shouldn’t be long before I stop by for redemption. I wonder if there is french vanilla coffee creamer at God’s house because I ran out this morning. I wave goodbye and wish them a wonderful day.
I see the couple across the street, who were recently married. I took care of their cat while they were on their honeymoon, and got the mail for them. I head over to offer my congratulations to the couple. They give me air kisses on both cheeks before they fill me in on their trip. Great couple, good looking, nice mid – thirties Jewish guys. It doesn’t take long before they start in on me about being single, and not getting any younger. One informs me his brother is single, and nice Jewish guy is exactly what I need. I ponder this for a minute, and wonder if the brother is as good looking as him. Then I remember every married couple tries to play matchmaker, misery loves company, no thanks. Being the optimistic, neighborly person I am I tell them I will put it on my to- do list right after ” go to church group”. We air kiss and I head off for my walk.
I’m walking along, minding my own business thinking about how broke I am, that I need to find a job that pays more than minimum wage when a guy and two kids come out of no where and join me for my walk. I’ve never seen him before, the little old lady on the corner must be slacking because she did not inform me of the latest addition to the neighborhood. Then I realize I haven’t seen her in a few days, I wonder if she died… The idle chatter of the dad and his two munchkins pulls me from my thoughts. I pull out a cigarette, and as I take a puff one of the little munchkins informs me smoking kills and I should quit so my lungs don’t turn black. Then dad introduces himself, and proceeds to tell me why he has a buzz cut. Apparently he just got out of jail. I was trying to drown out his voice with my thoughts of winning the lottery, and setting off on a luxury vacation which only half worked. I heard something about pain pills, having to move back in with his parents. I make a mental note to have a word with the old lady on the corner. She may have to be stripped of her title as gossip queen after this. I see a side street I can slip down for a fast get-away. I flick my cigarette, and the munchkins remind me littering is also bad. I thank them for saving my life and the planet and that quitting smoking is on my to do list after finding God, and dating a nice Jewish boy. I tell dad not to worry his hair will grow back as long as he stays out of jail. I wish them a good day and slip down the side street.
As I turn the corner to head back to my house I see the self proclaimed poop patrol peeking out from behind his curtains waiting for us dog walkers to slip up so he can yell at us. I wave my poop bag at him to show him I am a law abiding citizen, well most of the time. I walk past the little old lady on the corner’s house and don’t see her. I hope she didn’t die, but being the optimist I am I realize there has to be another little old somewhere in the neighborhood to take her place. As I approach my house I see my neighbors left their newspaper in the driveway. Being the kind neighborly person I am I pick it up and bring it inside. I head out to my back deck, sit down at the patio table and open up the paper. I light a cigarette and think about what sins I can check off my list today.
This is a blog about everything, anything, and nothing. The trivial mundane stuff that happens on a daily basis. Feel free to add your rants and raves, ramblings, and daily stinkaroos.